The Weekend In Movies – September 4th Edition.

Location

Here’s an interesting conundrum: three major studio releases, only one of which can be the most successful. Which one takes the lead? Three movies enter; one movie leaves. Welcome to Thunderdome.

Warning: I have to be relentlessly brutal to the first two movies on this short list. I don't like to be mean, but I'm doing it anyway.  That’s how badly I want you to go see the third one, on opening weekend. What I’m about to write won’t make me any friends, unless I’m able to convince you to go see this third movie, at which point you will feel very glad that I went so far to recommend a movie that you will so surely enjoy.

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All About Steve.

A Sandra Bullock romantic comedy (can I stop there?) where the most likable movie star with THE worst taste in material (Ms. Bullock) plays an Ugly Betty type who stalks a news cameraman, played by the unfortunate Bradley Cooper. Judging by the trailer, this looks like garbage, and judging by all the evidence in history, it will be. But, per IMDB, what a terrific supporting cast to be wasted:

There’s Thomas Haden Church, so great in Sideways and (I stand by it) Spider-Man 3 – the guy looks like an un-gray Lee Marvin, and he’s got great comic timing to boot.

Also from Sideways, there’s M.C. Gainey, the gigantic character actor who let it all hang out in that movie, and who was so great and scary as Mr. Friendly on Lost.

There’s Ken Jeong, the rapidly rising comedian from Knocked Up, Pineapple Express, Role Models, and The Hangover.

There’s Katy Mixon, who every real man with a cone and a double-scoop will recognize right away from East Bound & Down.

There’s even goddamn Howard Hesseman!, Dr. Johnny Fever from WKRP In CInncinati – wow, where’d they bring him in from?

And there’s even EVEN goddamn motherfuckin’ Keith David, one of my favorite character actors of all time, from The Thing and They Live and There’s Something About Mary and Requiem For A Dream (shudder) and Platoon and Bird and Dead Presidents and so much other stuff it’s literally impossible to get an accurate count.

All of them, all these unique and talented actors, so entirely wasted – I guarantee it, even as I wish it were otherwise. Is it fair to pre-judge a movie in this way? Probably not. Am I calling it correctly? Probably so. Once Sandra Bullock makes a movie like this that is truly memorable and consistently funny, I will eat my words. I will literally print out this page, sprinkle a little sugar on it, and get to chewing. I actually do like Sandra Bullock, I swear I do, but I must challenge her to be in a good movie for once. It’d be about time.

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Gamer.

In a universally-recognized ripoff of the lesser Schwarzenegger action flick The Running Man – not to be confused with the popular dance of the same name – Gamer is a movie about a world where video game players can control actual human beings and direct them through loud and over-edited action sequences. It stars that dude from Dexter and also Gerard Butler, who, like Sandra Bullock, is another actor who has not yet been involved in a good movie…

Okay, I can’t do it. I mean, I can’t even bring myself to write much about it. Have you seen that trailer? Have you seen the shot where the kid raises his arms and Gerard Butler raises his arms in unison? Even without the rest of that dumb trailer, that one shot gives me douchechills and makes me embarrassed for Gerard Butler, a man I’ve never met. I mean, he’s trying to do his best to become a better-than-average action star, and here he is, forced to enact some synchronized-swimming routine with a teenaged extra just because of this movie’s stupid premise.

Sorry. I’m just not the guy to even think about a movie like this for this long. If you’ve read any of my stuff, you know I’m a huge action guy. But A) I’m not a video game guy, B) I popped my last zit almost a decade ago, and C) I’ve even had occasion to have prolonged, mutually-welcomed physical contact with several different girls (pretty ones!), so this movie isn’t meant for people like me in the first place.

ON THE OTHER HAND…

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Extract.

Mike Judge has written and directed a new comedy! Ain't that good news? Previously, Mike Judge created Beavis & Butthead and King Of The Hill for television, and wrote and directed the movies Office Space and Idiocracy. That is a pretty solid track record for quality and durability and genuine hilarity. Mike Judge has a rare talent for pinpointing the insanity and the idiocy that exists in the most mundane aspects of life. Look, even if all he ever did was Office Space, wouldn’t that be enough for you to rush out and give his new movie a try? I do love Office Space, but not even as much as most other people do – however, if what happened to Judge’s next movie, the almost-as-good Idiocracy, is any indication, not enough people are willing to give Mike Judge a happy opening weekend. Let’s rectify our past mistakes, America – let’s throw down our ten bucks for Labor Day, and in return, let’s allow Mike Judge to make us laugh.

This is a personal guarantee, because I have already seen Extract – and it’s hilarious. It’s a grower. I like it more the more I think about it. In fact, I think I could watch it again right now. It’s not a simple plot to describe, because the movie does meander quite a bit – as life so often does when it’s not going right. That’s what Extract is about: the best laid plans going astray. The plot is almost secondary, honestly. If I told you that Extract is about what happens when a gorgeous criminal drifter (Mila Kunis) and a frustrated vanilla-extract business owner (Jason Bateman) cross paths, I would understand if you didn’t see comedy gold leap off the page. That’s where you trust in Judge (and in his terrific actors.) That’s where the trust is rewarded.

After his straight-man role on Arrested Development and his blatant scene-stealing in Smokin’ Aces and State Of Play, it’s so great to see Jason Bateman in a starring role. Bateman is such a precise and intelligent comic actor – he’s like a ninja surgeon with his dialogue. He grounds this eccentric movie with huge likability and expert deadpan.

Mila Kunis is also solid in the movie. I’m not sure at what point the girl from That 70s Show turned into such a knockout, but she did, and she’s just perfect in the role of that chick who makes every guy feel like he has a chance, when of course she’s holding all the cards. I just love the idea of free-ranging criminal hot chicks – who better to wreak an unpunished crime wave across the country?

Kristen Wiig, from SNL, plays Bateman’s adulterous wife. For most of the movie, Wiig seems to be comparatively underutilized, until she takes over with a sudden uppercut of comedic surprise in the penultimate scene. She’ll make you totally want to see a Kristen Wiig starring role, and for my money she’s even more crush-worthy than Mila Kunis in this movie.

Ben Affleck plays Bateman’s sleazy bartender buddy Dean, who is well-meaning but completely destructive. Affleck is so damn funny in this movie – I know he has his haters, but I’ve never been one, quite the contrary, and even if I were, I’d have been converted with this movie. His character gets most of the best lines, and I’m moving on now because the temptation to quote some of them is too strong.

David Koechner, oh my God. The guy you know best from Anchorman arguably steals the movie as the most quintessentially Mike Judge character in the whole thing. He’s so real and recognizable even as he’s entirely over the top – you have to see it for yourself.

There are several other fantastic ringers in Extract, like J.K. Simmons as Bateman’s happily oblivious second-in-command, Matt Schulze as that threatening kind of pothead (I’ve met the type – scary!), and Clifton Collins Jr. as the unlikely heart of the movie, but I wouldn’t know where to stop. Every role is played to perfection. Mike Judge really knows how to populate a movie.

Oh yeah, and Gene Simmons is brilliant in the movie. That’s right, Gene Simmons of KISS. In the best piece of casting I have seen in a very long time, Gene plays a scumbag lawyer. He’s only got a couple of scenes, but you will absolutely remember them.

Bottom line: Extract is being sold as a comedy and it delivers on that billing. It happens at an unusual pace and it’s full of digressions, but there are laughs sprinkled consistently throughout. It’ll make a bad day better. What else could you ask for?

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