When I last shared my thoughts on all the problematic movie posters I’d been seeing, I thought it was a fairly definitive take that would easily last the year. Fortunately, there have been so many more weird posters released since then that I may have to make this a semi-regular thing. Let me know if I shouldn’t.
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“What if your entire life was a lie?”
What if your entire acting career was a lie? What if you were asked profound questions while maintaining a blank stare on your face? What if the blank stare on your face was the defining characteristic of your acting method? What if the star-making machine that created you is a lie? What if you’ve allowed yourself to become a product?
Notice how this image is physiologically impossible.
Next question to ponder: “What if Inception was totally shitty?”
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That’s a single-entendre.
Also, Justin Timberlake is on the poster, so you already lost me.
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“This is our time.” Let us then seize the day and live it well…by reclining on the hood of a VW Beetle.
This is also a good time to contemplate the return of neon to movie posters. Haven’t seen that since Cocktail.
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Aliens Versus Cowboys Versus Photoshop.
I don’t know who wins, but Harrison Ford definitely lost.
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Remember what they did to John Turturro in the first Transformers? (Peed on him.) That’s nothing compared to what he gets in the new one. (Looks like forcible robot proctology.)
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It’s Sister Act meets Above The Rim!
Now that I know this movie is a thing that exists, I have no choice but to rule that Carla Gugino is officially the hot female version of Morgan Freeman: awesome and talented and totally willing to appear in just about anything.
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There are a lot of ways to sell a foreign-language film to Americans. This doesn’t look like any of them.
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“Scary,” “sexy,” “trendy”… all reasons why vampire movies are so popular at the moment.
“Belgian”… not so much.
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Starring Alec Baldwin as Marlon Brando.
Just kidding, obviously it’s the Chapa family. Who are those guys, you ask? I DON’T KNOW.
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Good news: Hayden Christensen is still getting work. (Left-hand corner.) But: Isn’t “burning palms” what teacher told us would happen if we spent too much time with the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue?
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What if I were the cargo? I don’t think I’d like it. But I still would probably like it better than a movie where Tyler Lautner gets to star in action movies.
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I guess it takes a certain kind of courage to release a poster this awful, but didn’t Bill Maher once get into a lot of trouble for making a similar comment?
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This is like a Family Guy premise. That’s not a compliment.
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“Ever have deja vu?”
“Didn’t you just ask me that?”
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The release date IS the pitch. That’s pretty scary, actually. Levels of cynicism are off the charts there.
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This is making my work too easy. Sarcastic commentary would just be redundant now.
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What King Of Kong hath wrought.
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Because literally no one demanded it. That’s got to be something, right? Ultimate disinterest? A mathematical nexus called Perfect Apathy.
Anyway, here comes a quick barrage of bewildering posterage…
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One life.
One choice.
One step.
Four characters on the poster.
No idea what you’re talking about.
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Where is that water jug coming from, and WHY?
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I actually kinda love this poster, but I hope I’m not the only one.
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Meanwhile, I’d like to punch everyone who made this poster (and movie) in the brain. It’s too cute to survive on its own in the wild.
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No movie character ever seems to plan on love, do they? But it always seems to find them, when they least expect it, like a giant diamond ring rolling down a steep hill! (Good use of symbolism.) (Not generic at all.)
Great title too. Totally isn’t meant to remind anyone of an older, better movie. I’m just sure of it.
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Thirty years after The Evil Dead, and I’m not ready to watch another sexual assault by trees. Especially not in a multiplex lobby, thanks.
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This is most definitely NOT the place. Turn around, turn around, go back, go back!
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