September’s Most Unfortunate Movie Posters.
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Welcome to the Gwyneth Paltrow memorial edition of the monthly Most Unfortunate Movie Posters column. Here are the previous editions. Well, here. And here. And here. And lastly but not lastly, here.
As usual, what happens here is that I show a bunch of posters that either came out recently, or which advertise movies which are going to be released this month or sometime in the general future, and then I crap all over their faces. It doesn’t make me feel any better, but hopefully it makes you laugh. It’s all in fun, really.
Let’s go!
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A Good Old Fashioned Orgy (Russian poster):
This looks like a combination of metaphorical vomit, as in a Photoshop pile-up, and then also actual vomit.
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American Wedding (2012):
If you’ve read even two sentences in a row from me, you might have noticed that I have a dark, bizarre, sometimes sick sense of humor. Yet I do have my boundaries, as arbitrary as they may be. Here’s one.
The only thing anyone remembers from the American Pie movies is that they are named for the scene in the first movie where a nerd (Jason Biggs, still best known for fucking an apple pie) fucks an apple pie.
Therefore, if this poster makes any sense to you, it’s because you’ve seen one or all of the seven (!) American Pie movies and you know that the pie on the poster has that hole in it because it was pushed in by some horny nerd’s dick. And I don’t mind admitting that I’m kind of uncomfortable walking around a multiplex that is filled with posters advertising dickholes on them. That isn’t probably what our founding fathers had in mind.
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And They’re Off: Father Of Invention:
The good news for Sean Astin and Kevin Spacey is that they’re each on two movie posters this month. (The second pair will be revealed below.)
The bad news is that the posters are dull and the movies look like the kind of movies no one ever sees.
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Son Of No One (Russian poster):
Last month I looked at an early poster for the Al Pacino/ Channing Tatum extravaganza Son Of No One. This month, Son Of No One returns with a very familiar design motif, the “Half A Face, Half Another Face”, which advertising departments love to use because it reminds people of older, usually better movies.
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I haven’t seen the movie yet, so I can’t tell you why the girl is so happy. Maybe she’s rejoicing because she finally got that clump of hair she’s holding out of her shower drain.
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Margin Call (German poster):
Somehow I doubt that even foreign audiences would like a movie with the title “Der Grosse Crash.” The real problem, of course, is the colossal Photoshop screwy-perspective bungle: For that poster to make any sense, all those actors would be hunched over staring at the sidewalk. This is an unfortunate side effect of how awesome Inception and its posters were: Some people don’t seem to understand how what made sense with Inception makes absolutely no sense with any other movie. So now, like all those awful pop singers who try and fail to be Michael Jackson, posters like these have become totally commonplace, a la this recent monstrosity:
For the record, I think it’s funny that this kid’s first starring role is in a movie with the word “Ab” in the title. Doesn’t “Abduction” sound like the name of his workout routine?
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Real Steel:
Speaking of movies that probably shouldn’t exist…. I’m sorry, I know a lot of you guys are surprisingly enthusiastic about this one. I envy you the ability to overlook what I can’t make myself ignore. So this movie is about Hugh Jackman training a robot to be a boxer? Really? We’re going with this premise? There’s some future world where people love to watch robots with boxing capabilities? Can I ask just one question then? Why does he not just PROGRAM THE DAMN ROBOT TO BOX?
P.S. Courage is not stronger than steel. Try acting brave in front of an approaching truck and see how that works out.
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Red Tails (2012):
The poster makes it look like a kid’s movie, the title makes it sound like a porno.
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Safe (2012):
Hollywood keeps crapping out all these damn remakes and reboots. Jason Statham can never replace Julianne Moore!
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Stay Cool (2009) (?!?):
This poster is what happens when you drink three gallons of Sunny Delight after watching network television for eight hours straight.
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The Double:
If Richard Gere is playing Topher Grace’s double, this is gonna be a long movie.
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Killer Joe:
“Murder never tasted so good.” So between that tag and the title, am I correct in assuming it’s about a poisoned Sloppy Joe?
Also sure looks a lot like McConaughey was inspired by the look of Don Johnson’s character in Machete.
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The Three Musketeers:
Wow, really. This movie is the awful poster tree that keeps on bearing awful fruit. I feel like they’ve put out bad posters every month I’ve done this list so far. Maybe they’re releasing a purposely awful ad campaign just so when the movie arrives and is bad (because it will be bad), it’ll seem better by comparison.
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The Woman:
Great premise for a horror movie, because in so many cases, what is a horror movie director’s greatest fear?
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Gary Oldman in Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy:
That’s not Gary Oldman.
That’s not Gary Oldman. (Looks like Andy Warhol.)
That’s not Gary Oldman. (Looks like Steve Carell.)
That’s not Gary Oldman. (Looks like Tom Arnold.)
Yay!
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Toast:
I think the high-concept machine is sputtering out of gas. Coming soon to a theater near you: exciting feature films with names like Cash Register, Window, Desk Drawer, Garbage Can, and Diapers.
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What’s Your Number? (French poster):
In the United States, this movie is known as What’s Your Number? I think the foreign market won this particular showdown.
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The Greening Of Whitney Brown:
Four names, three people, one horse. Or is that what Kris Kristofferson looks like now? I think Kris Kristofferson in a horse costume would be the one thing that would improve this picture, which has all kinds of problems. There’s the unfortunate title (which is probably not the SNL reference I’d like it to be), the inexplicable license plate (Why BOB? Why not?), and oh yeah, the fact that A HORSE COULD NOT FIT IN A CONVERTIBLE.
Not unless he was Kris Kristofferson in a horse costume, anyway…
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